First Aid

I am a cook. And that should be grounds enough to debar me from administering first aid to anyone other than my own damned self. But somehow or another, playing the role of a cook and resort director at a remote and third-world destination auto-qualified me as the go-to person in the event of a grim emergency. Horrible ear infection? Gaping flesh wound? Your hand has quadrupled in size while you were cleaning crabs? You have an immense oozing boil? Ripped off your toe nail? You are dying from a malarial fever? No worries. The doctor is in. What’s that you say?... Never mind. I only speak broken Swahili. Just point at what is ailing you so I can dig into my first aid kit that is rich with expired Italian pharmaceuticals. And also never mind that I can’t speak Italian. There might be one with an icon of a mosquito.

All I know about my first aid kit is that it doesn’t have medicine for white people. And I don’t mean that because all the medicine is expired American and Italian pharmaceuticals. I was attacked by some horrid creature of the Mafian insect underworld one day and had an immediate allergic reaction to it that near made me pass out on my feet. While scrambling to call my boss (and my only hope for air support into the hospitals of Dar es Salaam or Nairobi), I ran into my assistant manager (below). I told him that I needed Benedryl or some sort of anti-hystemine or I was basically going to die an unspeakable hellish death in the very immediate future. He said that he didn’t know what an anti-hystemine was and, furthermore, didn’t know "what sort of medicine white people take". I did a little bit of hyper-ventilating while incubating in the shade of the African sun and then got through to my boss who gave me the name of some Italian smack that I was unable to find in the drug box.



I was left with an amazing welt on my arm and a pair of red dots which led me to believe the little bastard that got me was a malicious spider of the Genus Unpleasantus.

Oh! Ow! Damn!!! What the fuck did you..... Oh! Shit! that had to have... wow. Ow! Fuck off! That is nasty! Your fucking toenail is hanging half GONE! Do we cut it? Or wrap it up? Oh shit that is gross. Do you want a shot of scotch? An aspirin? Maybe some of this shit that says “La Costanza Medicale"?. Do you speak English? Do you have any allergies? Italian? Nevermind.

Take three deep breaths.

This will only hurt for a second...